Thursday, March 28, 2013

Confession - Yeah It Was Me

One thing I've always loved, is a damn good hoax. I won't use this time to go into my favorites; but I can say many have inspired me to create my own. I conceived this idea in early 1998, a harmless practical joke on the Bahamian powers-that-be. I pulled the trigger in October 1998, and was genuinely shocked at the row it caused. A simple press release, sent to the newspapers in Nassau and Grand Bahama. Top government officials raced to the papers, wildly exclaiming they will protect the Bahamian people from this immoral onslaught. The Bahamas is a Christian country, and the pastors in both Freeport and Nassau alike loudly condemned any of their congregation who would even think about going to, or working in, such a place. My favorite press interview came from the Freeport Chief of Police, who stated that while the idea is not exactly illegal under Bahamian law, he would gladly send all those responsible to Fox Hill Prison, until it became illegal.

Anyway, here it is in its entirety. For my friends in the Bahamas, who argued for and against this new night club, while I sat quietly refusing to give an opinion (citing my work permit); I can only say yes, it was me. I even put in a "time-share salesperson" hint into the release, but no one came even came close to guessing who the culprit was. 


October 3, 1998


New Era Entertainment announced this morning plans for a "virtual" strip club on Grand Bahama, With a grand opening scheduled for February 1999. Company Vice-President Angela Rolle said; "What makes Club Hell so unique is that there will be absolutely no nudity in the bar itself. The dancers are actually in Ft. Lauderdale, Hollywood, Las Vegas, and four other cities. Cameras in these foreign clubs transmit via satellite directly to Club Hell, allowing patrons an opportunity to watch the action on large screen televisions." Ms. Rolle stated, "The upscale clubs we've chosen for this venture are top-of-the-line; and the dancers are drop dead gorgeous! But don't come expecting explicit sexual acts. Just beautiful, fully nude women on television, dancing for your pleasure."

Club Hell will also feature a 24 person Jacuzzi  with a three story bungee jump tower over the bubbling water. Waitresses and patrons alike can relax in the Jacuzzi  or soak in the otherwise "hellish" environment. The club sports locker rooms, a dungeon for the "leather oriented", and signature shots like the "Brimestone" and the "Whoregasm". "Who's going to Hell" night, with free admission to government officials and time-share salespersons, happens once a month.

Applications  for waitress positions will be accepted in late December. Ms. Rolle said, "The waitresses (or Hellions) will be wearing specially designed Club Hell bikinis; so obviously we will be looking for the best looking girls on the island. As part of their duties, our girls will take an active part in the community; visiting retirement homes and hospitals, organizing steak-outs for charity, and other fund raising activities. The G-String Sunday Car Wash will be a regular event; with proceeds going to a different charity each week. Twenty five dollars for five or six breathtaking girls in tiny bikinis soaping up your car and each other - even guys without trans will wait in line for this one!"

Club Hell patrons can pay a nightly cover charge, or purchase a full year membership. Tourists will be admitted to the club free of charge. A special V.I.P. lounge for bachelor parties or business conferences will also be available.

New Era Entertainment representatives will be returning to Grand Bahama in early December for press interviews.

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Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.