Sunday, December 8, 2013

My Five Year Plan

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life

- Kid Cudi

This is the chorus to my 14 year old son’s favorite song right now. Instead of going to Mass today, Brandon and I hung around the kitchen, and he played songs that resonate with his generation. Hell - our music irritated our parents too, no big difference there. Except, I can’t recall a single song from my youth that had the word “nigga” in it.

But I have to say Kid Cudi is one of the few “musicians” my son listens to. I would be shocked if he doesn’t come from a jazz background. If he doesn’t, I guarantee his producer does. Good stuff musically if you don’t mind a few N-bombs, F-bombs, and this generation’s discovery of a new drug called marijuana. And his lyrics reveal a maturity not found among his peers. Give him a listen.

Sidetracked long enough. Today is my 59th birthday. No way around it. I’m probably healthier than I’ve been in twenty years (thanks Nu Skin), but the fact remains I’m 59 years old. As usual; I’m having a difficult time philosophically with this. But I’ll spare everyone the self-centered laments, and go directly to why I’m posting to my blog today.

I have a five year plan in place, which begins today. I will retire on December 8, 2019. Everything I do in the next five years will be focused on that date. I will retire if I have half a million dollars, or half a jar of cat food. It doesn’t matter; I will not work after my 64th birthday. However; I reserve the right to change the definition of “retire”, if all I have left is a jar of cat food.

So here is my five year goal; on December 8, 2019 I will be earning in excess of fifty thousand dollars each and every month.

For most of you that sounds completely crazy, and I understand that. Especially if you don’t have a clue on how direct selling, or network marketing, actually works. I’m not going to lecture or try to recruit here; but I will say some executives with Nu Skin (2.64%) are in fact making fifty thousand each and every month. I see no reason why I can’t duplicate their success. I have been trained by the best. I learned sales from the best time-share people in the world. I can take the sales techniques I’ve learned, and simplify them so they are completely duplicatable to everyone. I can follow the advice of my network marketing mentors wholeheartedly. I can devote over 50 hours a week to reach my goal. Everything else I do is irrelevant, and will be eventually discarded. I know that if I reach my goal my son will be taken care of, as my income from Nu Skin is not only recurring, but willable. I will hit my goal on December 8, 2019.

So, what will I do after retirement? Here are the options:

Okay; so the last one might be a little difficult with just fifty thousand dollars a month.

The point is; my primary goal is set, and my secondary goals are described. I am ready to begin my five year journey. I will be recording my progress on my blog, to give everyone a chance to ridicule. But it won’t matter toward my resolve to get this done. My cat simply won’t want to share her cat food.

I am going to repeat my goal once again; on December 8, 2019 I will be earning in excess of fifty thousand dollars each and every month.

Enjoy your day. And may John Lennon rest in peace, who was killed on this day in 1980.


Monday, July 22, 2013

The Royal Baby

From the BBC:

Ladies and Gentlemen; as we anxiously await the arrival of the Royal Baby, let me just say how proud....hold on.....I'm hearing something now. Yes! Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm getting a report at this very moment.....hold on please.....awaiting confirmation.

And yes! There it is! We now have a confirmation that in fact; there is smoke coming out of the vagina as we speak! Yes, no word yet? No word yet? Brilliant! IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED there is BLACK SMOKE coming from the vagina as we speak, which of course means the Royal Baby is in fact, male! A baby boy! Long live the future King!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Confession - Yeah It Was Me

One thing I've always loved, is a damn good hoax. I won't use this time to go into my favorites; but I can say many have inspired me to create my own. I conceived this idea in early 1998, a harmless practical joke on the Bahamian powers-that-be. I pulled the trigger in October 1998, and was genuinely shocked at the row it caused. A simple press release, sent to the newspapers in Nassau and Grand Bahama. Top government officials raced to the papers, wildly exclaiming they will protect the Bahamian people from this immoral onslaught. The Bahamas is a Christian country, and the pastors in both Freeport and Nassau alike loudly condemned any of their congregation who would even think about going to, or working in, such a place. My favorite press interview came from the Freeport Chief of Police, who stated that while the idea is not exactly illegal under Bahamian law, he would gladly send all those responsible to Fox Hill Prison, until it became illegal.

Anyway, here it is in its entirety. For my friends in the Bahamas, who argued for and against this new night club, while I sat quietly refusing to give an opinion (citing my work permit); I can only say yes, it was me. I even put in a "time-share salesperson" hint into the release, but no one came even came close to guessing who the culprit was. 


October 3, 1998


New Era Entertainment announced this morning plans for a "virtual" strip club on Grand Bahama, With a grand opening scheduled for February 1999. Company Vice-President Angela Rolle said; "What makes Club Hell so unique is that there will be absolutely no nudity in the bar itself. The dancers are actually in Ft. Lauderdale, Hollywood, Las Vegas, and four other cities. Cameras in these foreign clubs transmit via satellite directly to Club Hell, allowing patrons an opportunity to watch the action on large screen televisions." Ms. Rolle stated, "The upscale clubs we've chosen for this venture are top-of-the-line; and the dancers are drop dead gorgeous! But don't come expecting explicit sexual acts. Just beautiful, fully nude women on television, dancing for your pleasure."

Club Hell will also feature a 24 person Jacuzzi  with a three story bungee jump tower over the bubbling water. Waitresses and patrons alike can relax in the Jacuzzi  or soak in the otherwise "hellish" environment. The club sports locker rooms, a dungeon for the "leather oriented", and signature shots like the "Brimestone" and the "Whoregasm". "Who's going to Hell" night, with free admission to government officials and time-share salespersons, happens once a month.

Applications  for waitress positions will be accepted in late December. Ms. Rolle said, "The waitresses (or Hellions) will be wearing specially designed Club Hell bikinis; so obviously we will be looking for the best looking girls on the island. As part of their duties, our girls will take an active part in the community; visiting retirement homes and hospitals, organizing steak-outs for charity, and other fund raising activities. The G-String Sunday Car Wash will be a regular event; with proceeds going to a different charity each week. Twenty five dollars for five or six breathtaking girls in tiny bikinis soaping up your car and each other - even guys without trans will wait in line for this one!"

Club Hell patrons can pay a nightly cover charge, or purchase a full year membership. Tourists will be admitted to the club free of charge. A special V.I.P. lounge for bachelor parties or business conferences will also be available.

New Era Entertainment representatives will be returning to Grand Bahama in early December for press interviews.

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.