Friday, January 8, 2010

2010 - Time to adjust myself


Here are a few observations / resolutions:

Virginia needs to bring back Blue Laws. It's a win for everyone. I'll be talking about this in future posts.

It is wrong for people my age to dismiss West Coast Hip-Hop entirely. Stop it.

Kanye West should be waterboarded, and his screams auto-tuned and released as a download on CD Baby.

My fellow Republicans seem to have their green-cast panties in a bunch over these airport "naked body scanners". Psychologically demeaning, so that the government can control the populace? Total crap. For every power mad, TSA goon who may wait all day to catch a glimpse of a hot college silhouette, remember the next fifty guys going through that scanner look like - well, me. Do I care? No. I am however, going to have to allow extra time at the airport to slip into the bathroom with a magazine, to make sure I am "adequately represented" in front on the scanner. If you catch my drift.

Here are my resolutions for 2010.

1.) Lose more weight. This has been on every list to myself since 1973, along with marrying identical twins from Brazil. I lost 22 pounds this year (from 264 down to 242), so I want to lose another 22, to get down to 220. At this rate I'll be where I want to be by 2011. I'll still be obnoxious, but thinner.

2.) Trash my porn collection. Yes, its time to get rid of all my naked friends. Not because I've suddenly matured. But my son is now ten, so he is of the age where he will actually look for stuff in his daddy's bottom drawer (credit: Zappa). I remember finding my father's Playboy collection in his home office, and while I appreciate the life lesson, Brandon will have to work harder for the same epiphany. So, there goes my beloved Exploited Black Teens video collection. It is strangely liberating to get rid of any personal effects you don't want around, after you're dead and gone.

3.) Defeat my personal addiction to aspartame. I never had a problem with nicotine and narcotics. Hard liquor wasn't much of an issue either - it was BEER. Lots of it. Inordinate amounts of it. I admit I've been a binge-drinking, beer-swilling alcoholic for years, but it was actually easy to finally taper off, and then to give up beer entirely. I cannot say the same for the crack-like carbonated allure of Diet Pepsi. Damn PepsiCo! Is it the caffeine? I think not! The artificial sweetener the FDA pushed down our throats, creating a tidal wave of future cancer. Fluoride and aspartame are both on my hit list this year.

4.) Stop playing Eve Online. Eve is an attack on your reality. I'll concentrate this year on tangible things instead, like practicing saxophone, studying magic, and watching pro wrestling.

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Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.