Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Today is Keith Richards' birthday. If this were a polytheistic society, Richards would be God of The Open G - Ruler of All Rhythm. This day must become a globally recognized holiday. Wouldn't it be better? A half-curled lip, a right armed half-windmill, and a guttural "KEEF!" yell, all could become generally accepted seasonal salutations. As many of us may no longer utter the words, "Merry Christmas", except among small pockets of Resistance, and as how many of us still feel uncomfortable blurting out the politically correct, "Have an ambiguously secular winter event and/or events." to store clerks, taxi drivers, and passers-by, why not recognize the seemingly immortal rocker instead?
I don't care what anyone says - Keith Richards is the best guitar player of all time. But, he can't climb a palm tree to save his ass.
Merry Christmas all.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009. This date will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is the date, my best friend here in Virginia stood in an Arlington County courtroom, and was told he would spend the next twenty one years in prison.
I'm not here to talk of guilt or innocence. It is the sentence itself which has impacted my life, and the lives of others.
Though my friend and I saw each other no more that once every two or three months, we talked nearly every other day. We shared many conservative political views. We talked about the craft of writing. We argued if Eastern philosophy was more relevant today than Western religious thinking. We supported each other, when job hunting became harder and harder. We laughed at everything ridiculous. We gave each other fatherly advice, even though he is fifteen years younger than me. In short, it is and always will be a close friendship, and one I will always cherish.
On Friday afternoon, the breath was knocked out of me, and I'm still grasping for some sense of normalcy. I know the pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain his wife is suffering. Or that of his mother, father, and members of his family. I will never understand what they feel. But I try to make sense of all this, through my own feelings and experiences. And all I can think about is his ten year old son.
My son is ten as well. I simply can not imagine what it would be like to spend the next twenty one years without him. He is my sole purpose in life. I have to prepare him for the world beyond my lifetime. I couldn't do it from behind a thick plastic window, on short Saturday afternoon visits. I have to be there for him. I am being selfish I know. Almost fifty five years old, and I can't bear to be without him by my side. When I think of that young boy, cut off from his father, I wince in agony. How can this be? He may never hold his father's hand until he himself is thirty one years old. His father will be sixty one. What will he miss? What will he miss without his father being there? I look at my son and see a lot of me in him. And as Brandon grows, I believe he will understand why he is as he is; and that his father helped gently guided him into what he becomes. Shared experiences, sage advice, practical jokes, social interactions - all of these will become important to him. My friend's son will rely on well intentioned family members, and a fading memory of his father. No matter how well intentioned, it will not be the same. He's ten. What will he remember?
If it was me and I was told I couldn't be there to see my own son grow into an adult, to see for myself how I have influenced him to become a man, I would have little reason to live. I would get a running start in my tiny cell, and slam my head into the steel bars. "My Dad died." "My Dad is in prison and he won't get out until 2033." For my friend's son, neither answer is better than the other.
I have learned a lot about myself in that courthouse this week. My friend is loved by both family and others. When he needed them the most, his friends rallied behind him and testified in his behalf. I have known him for six years. Others have known him for as long as twenty three years. We wanted the jury to know just what kind of man he was. I guess we failed to do that. But I've been thinking - if it was me on trial I bet I couldn't find three people who could testify for me. I wanted Brandon to start school in Virginia, and at least finish sixth grade in the same house I lived in as a kid. To get spend as much time as possible with his grandmother, who turns eighty one next week. I thought of it as a personal sacrifice on my part. And to be honest, I did my best not to enjoy my time here. I need to rethink everything somehow.
I'll probably not live long enough to see my friend set free. But while I am still here, I will continue to value his friendship.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Stockholm's bunnies burned to keep Swedes warm - The Local
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Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
(ACORN MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE - New York, N.Y.) According to close relatives of country music teen sensation Taylor Swift, she and hip hop bad boy Kanye West were planning on recording together - even before West's "meltdown" at last night's MTV Video Music Awards. Does this mean Kanya's impromptu outburst was staged, like Sacha Baron Cohen's ass ride on Eminem's face last year?
Here is what we know:
1.) Kanya West has booked studio time at Sound Investments Recording Studio in Scranton, Pennsylvania, not far from Swift's home town of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania in early December.
2.) Representatives of Swift have secured the recording rights to the song "Strange Fruit", a Billie Holiday classic written by a high school teacher around 1936. Several members of the Video Music Awards audience "quoted" lines of the song as Kanye West was escorted out of Radio City Music Hall.
3.) Taylor Swift, born on December 13, 1989, is in fact old enough to have sex in Pennsylvania.
MTV is insisting they were not part of West's tirade in front of a live television audience, but have yet to release an official statement.
I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE'S IN THE BLEACHERS! ........................ I'M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!................. BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN' THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE ... WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I'M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME... THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I'M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
After a break of twenty two years, I'm going slowly back into music.
Back in 1987, my first wife and I divorced, and I elected to give up music professionally. I got a real job; the high ticket / impulse sales world of off-site time-sharing. My priorities changed completely almost overnight. And to be honest, I was way too busy to even listen to music. My job was commission only, until I was promoted into management, and it didn't take too long before I promoted to Sales Manager. But that wasn't my real goal. My goal was to be successful enough to build a sales organization on-site - on Paradise Island in The Bahamas. Before long I moved to the most beautiful country on earth.
While in The Bahamas, I worked constantly, and listening to or playing music was almost impossible. Sure I heard (and sometimes sat in) with the local hotel bands on the island, but that consisted of playing "Yellow Bird" and other tourist favorites. When I left Nassau and moved to Freeport, I played occasionally with country star Jimmy Dean (yes, the sausage guy). He had long since retired from music and his business (he sold the sausage company and continued to earn one million a year working one day a year making those commercials). He lived on his yacht docked at the Xanadu. If Jimmy got drunk enough, he would come looking for me. He would bang on my door at 2-4 in the morning, and made me come downstairs and play bass for him, while he sang and played the lobby piano. It was always entertaining, but that abruptly stopped when he figured out I was working on nailing his daughter Connie.
After twelve years, my second wife and I moved to Jamaica. I didn't even bring my bass with me. But I started listening to local reggae, and more importantly, Jamaican Dancehall. The rhythmic assault was inescapable, it literally held the country together. In Ocho Rios we lived close to the center of town, and the music blasted until daylight. I developed a real appreciation for Dancehall, which I still have to this day. But as I said, I wasn't playing music, just avidly listening to Beanie Man, Bounty Killa, Lady Saw, Tanya Stevens and a host of artists around town.
Fast forward five years, and I'm back in the States. I've been content to ignore music here. But now Brandon is nine, and I've been giving him saxophone lessons. Hes been at it for a three months now, and is showing remarkable progress. That is giving my the motivation to go into the books and re-learn what I've buried into my subconscious. I am totally enjoying the process. I've got two years to bring him up to speed, and I'm using this time to teach him both saxophone technique and music theory. By the time sixth grade rolls around, Brandon will have a huge head start!
I'm listening to a lot of sax around the house now, trying to show the kid what the instrument is capable of. And for the first time; I pulled out my bass and held it reverently in my hands.
I have a long way to go. I'm going to take advantage of the fact I haven't played in twenty two years by entirely re-learning the instrument. I used to play with a pick, and used a fretted Fender Jazz Bass. Just before I "retired", I put an incredible fretless neck on it, but never really got around to practicing with it. Now, I have the time to study fretless, as well as learn a three finger technique so I can throw those guitar picks away.
My goal is get technically proficient enough to take a online course or two this Spring from the Berklee College of Music, without looking like a complete idiot. Wish me luck.
We lost so much that day. We will never feel completely safe again.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Following a furor over how the data would be used, the White House has shut down an electronic tip box firstname.lastname@example.org that was set up to receive information on "fishy" claims about President Barack Obama's health plan.
Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/26188.html#ixzz0OUeYpJQW
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
She is a rock star. Not in a bloated, Conservative, OxyContin, may-be-gay sort of way either - but more like a right-wing Pat Benatar grinding a mic stand into her camel toe and wailing for release. Or, she is simply a bitch. Nothing wrong with being a bitch.
All of the quotes below are from her columns for HumanEvents.com, which bills itself as "Headquarters for the Conservative Underground". Click on the date after each section to read the entire column.
Disclaimer: I may or may not; adhere to any of Coulter's conservative diatribes posted here. Depends on my mood.
[note: I could have called this series "In Ann Coulter's Mind", but it probably wouldn't have gone very far on digg.com]
On liberal bias
Conservative speakers are constantly being physically attacked on college campuses -- including Bill Kristol, Pat Buchanan, David Horowitz and me, among others. Fortunately
the attackers are Democrats, so they throw like girls and generally end up with their noses bloodied by pretty college coeds. 10/24/07
To hide the dirty little secret of the left's burgeoning anti-Semitism, liberals act as if they live in abject terror of right-wingers. When it comes to conservatives, the Anti-Defamation League is the Pro-Defamation League.
For decades, most Jews supported the left, and the left supported Jewish causes. But the left moved on long ago. For liberals, Jews are just so "last Holocaust."
The survival of Israel is inextricably linked to the survival of the Republican Party and its evangelical base. And yet the ADL viciously attacks conservatives, implying that there is some genetic anti-Semitism among right-wingers in order to hide the fact that anti-Semites are the ADL's best friends -- the defeatists in Congress, the people who tried to drive Joe Lieberman from office, the hoodlums on college campuses who riot at any criticism of Muslim terrorists and identify Israel as an imperialist aggressor, and liberal college faculties calling for "anti-apartheid" boycotts of Israel. 10/31/07
On media bias
Here's a story that may not have been deemed "Fit to Print": In the six months that ended Sept. 25, The New York Times' daily circulation was down another 4.51 percent to about a million readers a day. The paper's Sunday circulation was down 7.59 percent to about 1.5 million readers. In short, the Times is dropping faster than Hillary in New Hampshire. (Meanwhile, the Drudge Report has more than 16 million readers every day.)
On Sunday, Times readers learned that despite this year's historic revolt of normal Americans against amnesty for illegal aliens: "Some polls show that the majority of Americans agree with proposals backed by most Democrats in the Senate, as well as some Republicans, to establish a path to citizenship for immigrants here illegally."
Was the reporter who wrote that sentence the Darfur bureau chief for the past year? By "some polls," I gather he means "a show of hands during a meeting of the Times editorial board" or "a quick backstage survey in the MSNBC greenroom."
As I believe Americans made resoundingly clear this year, the only "path to citizenship" they favor involves making an application from Norway, waiting a few years and then coming over when it's legal.
Only those "angriest on immigration," the Times said, are still using the various words related to immigration that liberals are trying to turn into new "N-words," such as, for example, "immigration." With an exhausting use of air quotes, the Times reports that: "The Republicans have railed against 'amnesty' and 'sanctuary cities.' They have promised to build a fence on the Mexican border to keep 'illegals' out."
In liberal-speak, that sentence would read: "The Republicans have railed against 'puppies' and 'kittens.' They have promised to build a fence on the Mexican border to keep 'baby seals' out." (In my version, the sentence would read: "Believing New York Times 'polls,' Democrats irritate 'voters.'")
Half the English language is becoming the "N-word" as far as liberals are concerned. Words are always bad for liberals. Words allow people to understand what liberals are saying.
According to the Times, all decent, cultured Americans cringe when politicians use foul words like "illegals" to describe illegals. Apparently, what most Americans are clamoring for is yet more automatic messages that begin, "Press '1' for English." That, at least, is the message the Times got from the stunning victory of grassroots over the elites on the immigration bill this year. 11/27/07
On Mike Huckabee
This week's column will address the urgent matter of evangelical Christians getting blamed for Mike Huckabee.
To paraphrase the Jews, this is "bad for the evangelicals."
As far as I can tell, it's mostly secular liberals swooning over Huckabee. Liberals adore Huckabee because he fits their image of what an evangelical should be: stupid and easily led.
When not evolving his position on Darwinism, Huckabee insults gays by pointlessly citing the Bible's rather pointed remarks about sodomy -- fitting the MSM's [note: mainstream media] image of evangelicals sitting around all day denouncing gays. (Which is just so unfair. I'm usually done denouncing gays by 10:30 a.m., 11 tops.) And yet, Huckabee has said he agrees with the Supreme Court's lunatic opinion that sodomy is a constitutional right.
Huckabee claims he opposes gay marriage and says Scalia is his favorite justice, but he supports a Supreme Court decision denounced by Scalia for paving the way to a "constitutional right" to gay marriage. I guess Huckabee is one of those pro-sodomy, pro-gay marriage, pro-evolution evangelical Christians. 12/19/07
On manufactured holidays
Coincidentally, the seven principles of Kwanzaa are the very same seven principles of the Symbionese Liberation Army, another charming invention of the Worst Generation. In 1974, Patricia Hearst, kidnap victim-cum-SLA revolutionary, posed next to the banner of her alleged captors, a seven-headed cobra. Each snake head stood for one of the SLA's revolutionary principles: Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba and Imani -- the exact same seven "principles" of Kwanzaa.
With his Kwanzaa greetings, President Bush is saluting the intellectual sibling of the Symbionese Liberation Army, killer of housewives and police. He is saluting the founder of United Slaves, who were such lunatics that they shot Panthers for not being sufficiently insane -- all with the FBI as their covert ally.
It's as if David Duke invented a holiday called "Anglika," and the president of the United States issued a presidential proclamation honoring the synthetic, racist holiday. People might well stand up and take notice if that happened.
Kwanzaa was the result of a '60s psychosis grafted onto the black community. Liberals have become so mesmerized by multicultural nonsense that they have forgotten the real history of Kwanzaa and Karenga's United Slaves -- the violence, the Marxism, the insanity. Most absurdly, for leftists anyway, is that they have forgotten the FBI's tacit encouragement of this murderous black nationalist cult founded by the father of Kwanzaa. 01/02/08
On Hillary Clinton
The reason no one claims Hillary is being "swiftboated" is that the definition of "swiftboating" is: "producing irrefutable evidence that a Democrat is lying." And for purposes of her race against matinee idol B. Hussein Obama, Hillary has become the media's honorary Republican.
In liberal-speak, only a Democrat can be swiftboated. Democrats are "swiftboated"; Republicans are "guilty." So as an honorary Republican, Hillary isn't being swiftboated; she's just lying. 03/26/08
On Obama's book "Dreams From My Father"
This, too, prompted Obama to share with his readers a life lesson on how to handle white people: "It was usually an effective tactic, another one of those tricks I had learned: People were satisfied so long as you were courteous and smiled and made no sudden moves. They were more than satisfied, they were relieved -- such a pleasant surprise to find a well-mannered young black man who didn't seem angry all the time."
First of all, I note that this technique seems to be the basis of Obama's entire presidential campaign. But moreover -- he was talking about his own mother! As Obama says: "Any distinction between good and bad whites held negligible meaning." Say, do you think a white person who said that about blacks would be a leading presidential candidate?
He says the reason black people keep to themselves is that it's "easier than spending all your time mad or trying to guess whatever it was that white folks were thinking about you."
Here's a little inside scoop about white people: We're not thinking about you. Especially WASPs. We think everybody is inferior, and we are perfectly charming about it. 04/02/08
On liberals and NASCAR
One minute Obama was bowling in Pennsylvania with nice, ordinary people wearing "Beer Hunter" T-shirts, and the next thing you know, he was issuing a report on the psychological traits of normal Americans to rich liberals in San Francisco.
Obama informed the San Francisco plutocrats that these crazy working-class people are so bitter, they actually believe in God! And not just the 12-step meeting, higher power, "as you conceive him or her to be" kind of God. The regular, old-fashioned, almighty sort of "God."
As Obama put it: "(T)hey get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."
The rich liberals must have nearly fainted at the revelation that the denizens of small towns in Pennsylvania have absolutely no concern for the rich's ability to acquire servants from Mexico at a reasonable price.
These are the sort of well-adjusted individuals to whom Obama is offering psychological profiles of normal Americans, including their bizarre theories about how jobs being sent to foreign countries and illegal-alien labor undercutting American workers might have something to do with their own economic misfortunes.
It's going to take a lot of "framing" for Democrats to recast Obama's explanation to San Francisco cafe society that gun ownership and a belief in God are the byproducts of a psychological disorder brought on by economic hardship.
It is an article of faith with the Democrats that they must fool Americans by simulating agreement with normal people. The winner of the Democratic primary is always the candidate who does the best impersonation of an American.
But then, after all their hard work making believe they're into NASCAR and God, some Democrat invariably slips and lets us know it's all a big fake-out. They're like a gay guy trying to act straight who accidentally refers to Brad Pitt as "yummy!" 04/16/08
Monday, June 29, 2009
And she makes a great deal of sense. Please take the time to watch these short videos.
Africa with Dambisa Moyo: Chapter 1 of 5
Dambisa Moyo says $1 trillion in foreign aid to Africa has not helped the continent.
Africa with Dambisa Moyo: Chapter 2 of 5
Dambisa Moyo explains how she escaped the dire poverty that marks Africa today.
Africa with Dambisa Moyo: Chapter 3 of 5
Dambisa Moyo describes the unique Africa–China relationship, and why she supports it.
Africa with Dambisa Moyo: Chapter 4 of 5
Dambisa Moyo responds to her critics.
Africa with Dambisa Moyo: Chapter 5 of 5
What would happen if the aid taps to Africa were shut off in five years? Dambisa Moyo responds.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
An economics professor failed an entire class. The bright eyed students had insisted that Socialism worked - no one would be poor and no one would be rich - a great equalizer for all, and for the Society of Man. The professor countered with an experiment; all grades would be averaged and everyone in the class would receive the same grade. No one would fail, but no one would receive an A either.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone was given a B. Serious students were upset, and the slackers who studied little were extremely happy with the results. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who hadn't studied much for the first test studied even less, and the ones who studied hard weren't motivated to study hard again! They decided they wanted a free ride too. The second test average was a D. No one was happy. And predictably, when the third test rolled around the average was an F.
Bickering, blame, and name calling resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. The entire class failed. The professor told them Socialism would ultimately fail, as the class had, because the reward of success normally goes to those that work harder, and when government takes the reward away; few will try so no one will succeed.
Just something to think about. Or not.
This is my seventh year being a father, my fifth as a single parent. As I see it; I'm supposed to "gently guide" my son, Zoltar Chi (couldn't resist giving him a cool Eve-type name), into accepting Responsibility for his actions, determining Right from Wrong, acting Selfless in all deeds, and yet remain a Child in all else - that is; until the curly hairs kick in and puberty brings Santa's ultimate betrayal, cigarettes, and internet porn. Thank God I have my Mother to help me. She raised three boys by herself, with no help from my father. The senior Kamir Chi slept on the couch in our living room for almost two years, unwilling to have anything to do with us. I was ten years old at the time. I remember him as a ghost around the house, never coming to the kitchen table, retiring to his tiny "office" upstairs where he kept stacks of Playboy in a file cabinet (not a bad find when you're ten years old, believe me). Then in the morning, as we got ready for school, we had to stay quiet because he was still asleep on the couch.
He left the house completely when I was twelve. My younger brother barely remembers him. My mother tells the story of when Dano Chi (snicker; can't help it) broke his arm; he was so excited because "Dad HAD TO COME and see him now!" He didn't.
I only remember three times my father took me anywhere. To RFK Stadium to watch the Washington Senators battle it out with the Cleveland Indians. This game was a turning point in my life; the score was 0-0 after NINE boring ass innings, until the Indians managed one run. This effectively killed baseball for me. Forever.
Another time was at the old Washington Colliseum, in the deepest, darkest part of our Nation's Capitol. There I saw the World Wide Wrestling Federation (now called the WWE). I remember watching in awe how these HUGE fucking guys could throw each other around. Of course at that age, I had no concept of "scripted" matches. I cheered the good guys, booed the bad guys - but I'll always remember what happened after the show. The house lights came on, the crowd began to leave, and my father let me go up to the ring! I remember peeking under it and seeing a large microphone set underneath the canvas. Ahhhh! So this is why they stomp their feet as they punch their opponents! Why body slams happen in the center of the ring! That microphone captured every THUD and echoed it through the small cramped building like a thunderclap! It suddenly dawned on me - you can always make things better than they really are.
Still another time was an all-day rock concert, back at RFK Stadium. The only groups I remember were Claude Jones (a local D.C. band), Grand Funk Railroad, and guitar god Duane Allman with the Allman Brothers Band. I was already playing guitar, and seeing a rock concert was a revelation - and Duane Allman was an inspiration! I guess I have to credit Dad for this one!
The point is though; I only remember three outings. Now, I over-compensate with my son. We go somewhere at least once a week. I never miss a soccer game, or a soccer practice. Even if its just a movie, or kicking around the ball in front yard - he is doing something with Dad. I don't have the money to give him everything he wants, but I can give him memories.
And my father? Well, we know he's not dead because the Social Security Administration would have notified my Mother. Never heard from him. Doesn't even know he has a grandson. Fuck you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
These entries were all taken from the Washington Post's long-running "Style Invitational" feature, which twice (in 1995 and again in 1999) invited readers to come up with and submit "lame" and "painfully bad" analogies.
Friday, April 24, 2009
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Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Friday, March 13, 2009
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Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
According to a press release, the network was concerned the target demographic of the Super-Bowl was subtly shifting. They decided by giving Michaels a more youthful appearance when he was on camera, the network could maintain consistent ratings throughout the game. The network defended itself by saying they had committed to a Springsteen half-time show early on, but were worried they would lose a younger demographic during the half-time break to other activites like "studying" or "sex texting". They decided enhancement technology was the subliminal solution to the short attention span among youth today.
This is the second time NBC has revealed state-of-the-art enhancement technology during sports events. In the Opening Ceremonies of the XX Olympic Games in Beijing, part of the elaborate Olympics fireworks show broadcasted to the world was altered digitally using computer graphics, according to news reports at the time. NBC also digitally removed Michael Phelps' marijuanna ciggarette during all post-race interviews.
Sources indicate the network had also planned a "wardrobe malfuction" on color commentator John Madden toward the end of the game's first half, but decided Madden's breasts were not suitable for television, especially with 3-D glasses.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Employers eliminated 598,000 jobs in January, the most since the end of 1974, and catapulted the unemployment rate to 7.6 percent. The nation's job climate is deteriorating at an alarming clip with no end in sight. Do you have a second income stream ready when you'll need it? Or, are you making more money than you need right now?
The Labor Department's report is far worse than the 524,000 economists predicted. With cost-cutting employers in no mood to hire, the unemployment rate bolted to 7.6 percent in January, the highest since September 1992. The increase in the jobless rate from 7.2 percent in December was worse than the 7.5 percent rate economists expected. Job reductions in November and December also were deeper than previously reported.
All told, the American economy has lost a staggering 3.6 million jobs since the recession began in December 2007. About half of this decline occurred in the past three months.
Factories slashed 207,000 jobs in January, the largest one-month drop since October 1982, reflecting heavy losses at plants making autos and related parts. Construction companies eliminated 111,000 jobs. Professional and business services chopped 121,000 positions. Retailers eliminated 45,000 jobs. Leisure and hospitality axed 28,000 slots.
Employers are slashing payrolls and turning to other ways to cut costs - including trimming workers' hours. The average work week in January stayed at 33.3 hours, matching the record low set in December.
With no place to go, the number of unemployed workers climbed to 11.6 million. Over the past 12 months, the number of unemployed has increased by 4.1 million, and the unemployment rate has risen by 2.7 percentage points.Many economists predict the current quarter, in terms of lost economic growth, will be the worst of the recession.
People are ready for a change. Direct sales, or network marketing, has become both a legitimate and practical way to increase income, and even replace primary income entirely. I'm not talking about a Bernie Madoff pyramid scheme. Or a get-rich-quick, work-from-home scam. This is a 25 year old company, with a solid reputation. And, a brand new product, just released in October 2008, that is literally changing the face of its market.
Want to talk about money? With the company I partnered with, here is what people expect in terms of average annual income. Disclaimer: Your results may vary. Figures pulled from company marketing materials.
A "Ruby" Executive (sponsoring 5 executives) - average yearly income $36,576.00
A "Emerald" Executive (sponsoring 7 executives) - average yearly income $78,408.00
A "Diamond" Executive (sponsoring 11 executives) - average yearly income $125,532.00
A "Blue Diamond" Executive (sponsoring 14 executives) - I'm not telling you. You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Let me say this again; direct sales, or network marketing, has become both a legitimate and practical way to increase income, and even replace primary income entirely.
Email me at email@example.com, and I'll set up a webinar or conference call to answer your questions. This is all I do - I'm almost always available. I'll show you how the direct sales business works, especially in this economy, and how our brand new, patented technology has taken the anti-aging industry by the throat.
And by the way; you don't have to do product demos with this unless you feel like it. I don't. I simply show the business opportunity to as many people as I can, three days a week.
If you are still not convinced you should contact me, go back and read over January's unemployment statistics. At this point, everyone is looking for alternatives. You can't ignore the facts. Start making your own financial parachute now.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
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Monday, February 2, 2009
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Amendment 10 - Powers of the States and People. Ratified 12/15/1791.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
I don't want to "go off on a rant" as Dennis Miller would say, but lets pull out a high school textbook and look at this. Anything not expressly granted to the Federal government is reserved for the States or the People. Although this amendment has been very liberally interpreted, it is one of the tenets of The Constitution. This amendment is also known as the States' Rights Amendment. Also, keep in mind, the first ten amendments were ratified collectively, and known to most as The Bill of Rights. These first ten were kind of important to the founding fathers.
Don't follow leaders, watch your parking meters.
The old poodle thinks, "I'm in deep crap now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old thing nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with big cat. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of, saying, "Monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle exclaims, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
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Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
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Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
According to the vest press release, "Hasbro recognizes its responsibility not only to make products in compliance with applicable laws, regulations and its own standards, but also to support the industry and regulatory process. Since the 1980s, the company has used bright neon colors for "NERF" products to insure law enforcement officials would not mistake our products for real weapons. "The NERF First Strike Vest" is no exception. The toy will feature neon green grenades, neon pink C4 packs, and bright red dynamite sticks. The vest itself is a bright reflective yellow, as suggested by the Department of Homeland Security, and will also presumably make wearers more visible for motorists at night."
According to other press releases from Hasbro, the "NERF" brand has featured toys that either shoot or are made from the foam-like material. Most of the toys fall in the category of foam-based weaponry, but there are also balls for indoor football and basketball. The most famous of the toys are their "dart guns" (also known as blasters) that shoot projectiles made from "NERF" foam.
It should be noted; the company has commited itself to corporate responsibility in the past. During the last seven years, Hasbro has cut its U.S. operations' greenhouse gas emissions by 43.4%. In addition, 88% of currently generated waste at operated sites around the world is recycled.
Friday, January 2, 2009
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