MADRID - Great apes have publicly rebuffed Spain's parliamentary approved resolutions to give simians "human" rights, saying in effect, "we cannot in good conscience grant Spaniards the same consideration." This, in reaction to the Spanish parliament's recently voicing its support for the rights of great apes to life and freedom, in what will apparently be the first time any national legislature has called for such rights for non-humans. "Once-conservative Spain is turning into liberal compost", says "Pedro", a mountain guerrilla and director of the Great Apes Protect Environment (GAPE). "We cannot defend our evolutionary comrades." (Statements were made through a sign language interpreter.)
Recently, Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's Socialist government has recently legalized gay marriage, reduced the influence of the Catholic Church in education, and set up an Equality Ministry of all things. The new resolutions have cross-party or majority support and are expected to become law in Spain in weeks. "Pedro" explains, "The Great Apes Protect Environment has argued human hominids like bullfighters, gigolos, and super-hot dark-haired chicks should enjoy the right to life, freedom, and not to be dismembered indiscriminately. However, our founders did not realize the 315 apes in Spanish zoos are far better off behind plate glass and iron bars, than in today's Spain."
Spaniards all over the country reacted strongly to GAPE's stunning announcement. In Barcelona, for example, after their traditional ten o'clock dinner hour, many girls danced topless on the roofs of cars in protest, while the men continued to throw feces at each other long into the night.
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