Tuesday, October 23, 2007

God Save The Queen - Is J.K. Really O.K.?

J.K. Rowling is no stranger to fame. This former housefrau, now household name, has amassed a fortune writing about a boy wizard's coming of age, and yet can't seem to stay out of the spotlight herself. According to almost every interview published in the last year, Rowling is finished with the Harry Potter series. Yet, now there are reports that Rowling may bring back Harry for another round of dragon-yanking, broomsticks, and old men prancing about in robes.

Why has Rowling teased the return of Potter? Because, she simply can't turn away from attention. Like a pro-wrestler who embarrasses himself on national television each week because he won't retire. Rowling has realized that without Harry Potter, no one gives a damn what she does or has to say.

Worth an estimated 545 million pounds, Rowling is trying everything to remain in the public eye. Witness the series of pictures above; taken during a children's book signing recently in Hollywood. Thousands of digital images of J.K.'s ample breasts now grace the internet, thanks to dozens of alert papparazzi. An accident perhaps, or is the 42 year old British mum of three preparing to step out of her limo a la Britney Spears? Fortunately, Mrs. Rowling's typical English reserve demands she begin with baby steps, flashing her bra - rather than copy Britney's numerous hairless vagina sightings around Hollywood. But, will we soon see Great Britian's Second Richest Cunt? I say a resounding "yes!", because I never want to see Great Britian's Richest Cunt - Simon Cowell.

And speaking of homosexuals; why has J.K. Rowling recently blurted to the press that a major character in the Harry Potter series was gay? To the casual reader, there seems to be little evidence that the great wizard and "headmaster" (snicker) Dumbledore was homosexual in any of her books. So, why is it so important we know this now? Could it be no one asked J.K. for an interview lately, so she feels compelled to give the tabloids something this week? Is this the Roseanne Barr Syndrome - get yourself in the press no matter how ridiculous? I am waiting for J.K.'s appearance on Dancing With the Stars, or her sex tape. Whichever one is shorter.

Let's get back to Dumbledore for a minute. Even with J.K. Rowlings's belated Revelation, I have trouble believing the most popular children's series ever, included a gay character. We never needed to know what his sexual orientation was anyway. But now we know, and some parents may have to look at the books differently.

As you may know, the Roman Catholic Church has done everything they can to "fast track" Pope John Paul II to Sainthood, and the Vatican has joyfully announced another "miracle" that may bring the popular pontiff closer to that lofty goal. A photo of a bonfire in Poland set to observe the second aniversary of the Holy Father's death, is said to show the deceased pontif blessing or waving to his millions of followers. Vatican TV picked up this story and ran with it. It is obvious to me, this is clearly not the Pope. It is in fact; the boy wizard's head teacher, Albus Dumbledore.

Much has been said about the plethora of secret signals in public restrooms lately, thanks to the Distinguished Senator from Idaho. (I will never take an MP3 player into a stall again, fearing that I may inadvertently tap my foot to the rhythm of the music.) However, little has been said about secret signals in other situations. The bonfire photo clearly shows J.K. Rowling's robed wizard "trolling" for a partner in a public place.

J.K. Rowling's Wizard Dumbledore giving
a secret hand signal
signifying his desire for
anonymous gay sex during a parade.

No comments:

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.