Sunday, September 9, 2007

Rest In Peace . . .

From the Associated Press:
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Somewhere, Kevin Federline is laughing.
An out-of-shape, out-of-touch Britney Spears delivered what was destined to be the most talked about performance of the MTV Video Music Awards — but for all the wrong reasons. Kicking off the show Sunday night with her new single, "Gimme More," Spears looked bleary and unprepared — much like her recent tabloid exploits on the streets of Los Angeles.

She lazily walked through her dance moves with little enthusiasm. It appeared she had forgotten the entire art of lip-synching; and, perhaps most unforgivable given her once taut frame, she looked embarrassingly out of shape.

Even the celebrity-studded audience seemed bewildered. 50 Cent looked at Spears with a confused expression; Diddy, her new best friend, was expressionless.

Of course, comedian Sara Silverman immediately blasted her in that I'm-so-irreverent-MTV kinda way, which made the cuts to Britney's younger sister Jamie Lynn look even more tragic. That poor girl was ready to lose it.

I concede. I am finally taking Britney off my "TO DO" list. Talk about "rode hard and put away wet."

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Dell Adds Goat Sacrifices to Help Lines

(Round Rock, Texas) - Dell Computer Company has recently restructured three levels of "consumer troubleshooting" hot lines. Dell Customers may take advantage of phones outsourced overseas to Nepal, and receive limited information. Or, they may talk to U.S. based technicians (at a premium, per minute rate) for more helpful advice. Or finally, for a flat rate of just US$ 29.00, operators in Nepal will repair your computer problems by sacrificing a goat to appease a Hindu god.

Dell's announcement follows after officials at Nepal's state-run airline sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft. Nepal Airlines has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due to technical problems. The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft last Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu, in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been. It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities.

Computer industry analyists were generally surprised by Dell's announcement, as the company has steadfastly refused to acknowledge their consumer support lines have been outsourced to Nepal. Customers have long suspected this however; as all operators have nearly incomprehensible accents. The Chicago Sun-Times recently broke the story after a reporter noticed that nearly all operators claimed they were from Chicago. After trapping several with Chicago based small talk (i.e. "You think the Chicago Dolphins will win The Cup this year?") , a few outsourced operators admitted to being physically located in Nepal. Industry observer Houston Dolph stated, "Dell simply won't pay for support lines in the States. In Nepal, their outsourced guys work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. The pay is nominal, but I understand operators will be able to keep the slaughtered goats."

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.