Tuesday, July 31, 2007

PETA Not Pro-Pigeon

Despite the pro-choice platform most members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) personally endorse, the organization has recently come out in favor of forced and unwanted abortions for many of our cities' inhabitants. In Los Angeles recently, PETA's Chief Wildlife Biologist Stephanie Boyles endorsed the use of a "morning after" pill as a form of population control. "We're not trying to fool with Mother Nature," said Boyles. "We're trying to get them (cities) to solve problems in a kind way but in an effective way."

You see; the L.A. Chapter of PETA have had it up to their perfectly manicured eyebrows in bird shit, or specifically, pigeon shit. Those head-bobbing bros produce up to twelve little pigeons a year. Multiply that by the estimated five thousand birds looking for their big break in Hollywood, and you have a lot of pigeon poop. In the past, PETA has endorsed several solutions, including "safe" devices like wire coils, spikes, or sheet metal to deny access to nesting areas or to frighten pigeons away. The new plan is for city workers to feed the city's pigeons food laced with the drug OvoControl P, which literally scrambles the inside of the egg, keeping baby pigeons from hatching. Emergency contraceptive pills approved for humans do not work in quite the same way.

Actress Pam Anderson, a rabid PETA supporter for years, supports the organization's new policy, "I've seen a lot of pigeon sex tapes, and its obvious to me abstinence is not the answer." Sources say Anderson is one of the few Hollywood elite who have been voluntarily spayed or neutered.

This is of course, not the first time PETA has looked at planned parenthood ideas. Critter Condoms, a contraceptive for animals, was partially funded from a PETA grant. Anderson recalled, "It was a good idea; but we had trouble slipping the condoms on little poodle penises."

So, how can the majority of PETA members label themselves as "pro-choice", but support forced abortions of these city dwellers? An anonymous PETA official summed it up, "We defend all animals, including unpopular ones like rats, etc. - but a rat has never crapped on my SUV."

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