Friday, June 29, 2007

Pictures - Brandon and Soccer


Thank God, Brandon took to soccer! This is his first organized sports activity, and he is really having fun with it! He is learning the importance of practice, responsibility to his teamates, and taking directions from an adult. He is easily the fastest runner on his team, and extremely competitive. Soccer is an excellent outlet for a kid with limitless energy. And it isn't that much of a financial, or a time, commitment for parents. The best part for me, is watching Brandon play. I am the loudest parent at the game!


Though we haven't see D.C. United yet, Brandon and I have gone to see our local Nothern Virginia Football Club team, the Royals. They are great fun to watch, and you are so close to the action you can hear bones breaking. Really. Anyway, why don't you wean your kids off those mind numbing Game Boys, and buy them a twenty dollar soccer ball. If you live in Northern Virginia, check out the Annandale Boys & Girls Club. All the kids get the same amount of playing time, so everyone participates equally. You won't be sorry.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I Only Have Eyes For You




Virginia Code, Section 18.2-422: Prohibition of wearing of masks in certain places; exceptions.It shall be unlawful for any person over sixteen years of age while wearing any mask, hood or other device whereby a substantial portion of the face is hidden or covered so as to conceal the identity of the wearer, to be or appear in any public place, or upon any private property in this Commonwealth without first having obtained from the owner or tenant thereof consent to do so in writing. However, the provisions of this section shall not apply to persons (i) wearing traditional holiday costumes; (ii) engaged in professions, trades, employment or other activities and wearing protective masks which are deemed necessary for the physical safety of the wearer or other persons; (iii) engaged in any bona fide theatrical production or masquerade ball; or (iv) wearing a mask, hood or other device for bona fide medical reasons upon the advice of a licensed physician or osteopath and carrying on his person an affidavit from the physician or osteopath specifying the medical necessity for wearing the device and the date on which the wearing of the device will no longer be necessary and providing a brief description of the device. The violation of any provisions of this section shall constitute a Class 6 felony.

The law contains specific exemptions, but damn if they seem to fit in this case. Holiday costume? Protective mask for safety? Theatrical production or masquerade ball? Medical reason? The fact is, Virginia law does not exempt people for religious reasons. Nor does it exempt the man with his head wrapped in tin foil who sometimes rides my bus. Nor would it exempt me. I've always wanted to walk around a shopping mall wearing an expensive suit and a lucha libre mask.

Can this woman get a driver's license in your state, dressed in this fashion? From the Virginia Department of Moter Vehicles web site; "DMV may refuse to issue a driver's license or identification card to any applicant who appears for photographing in a disguise or intentionally distorts their face to alter their appearance." So, this chick is evidently riding the same Metro bus as myself, and "Tin Foil Guy".

Is it time for Virginia to ammend its Code? Probably. But if you do it for her, then do it for me. I want the right to wear live squirrels and a thong. In my lucha libre mask.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Catholics Urged to Kill Comedians


In a time when Muslim leaders reaffirm their hatred for British-Indian author Salman Rushdie, who was recently knighted by the Queen, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has issued an edict that "good Catholics should kill" members of the comedy troope Monty Python". The timing of the Pope's fatwa coincides with Great Britian's official recognition of the six Python members' contribution to British popular culture. A Vatican spokesman said yesterday the 80 year old pontiff and leader of the Catholic Church is calling for the death of the comedians, and their recent recognition by Great Britian more than justifies suicide bombing. “If somebody has to attack by strapping bombs to his body to protect the honour of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, then it is justified,” the spokeman said.

Effigies of Monty Phython and the Queen were burnt, and hundreds of Catholic protesters set fire to British flags and chanted “Death to Britain, death to the parrot, death to Python”. Catholic leaders called for worldwide protests after Friday night bingo.

The question of blasphemy in Monty Python's 1979 film "The Life of Brian", in which a clueless man, born in a neighbouring stable, is mistaken for The Messiah, remains a deeply sensitive issue in much of the Roman Catholic world and the comedians' recent recognition has only inflamed anti-British sentiment. Ms. Paula Hardee, author of the Catholic novel "The One Dead Guy Who Never Scared Me", told The London Times: “This is action by Great Britian calculated to goad Roman Catholics. His Holiness
sees a need to return to fundamental Christian values in response to increasing de-Christianisation and secularisation. The members of Monty Phython died the moment the Pope issued the fatwa."

The members of the troup, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam (sixth Python member Graham Chapman died in 1989) have not comented publicly on the matter. They are however; expected to accept police protection.

The Liverpool based Organization of Non-Taxable Catholics, a fringe hardline group, has offered a reward for each of the five successful assassinations. Ms. Mary Kelly, the group's secretary general, said, “The British government and the supporters of those anti-Catholic comedians could rest assured that their nightmares will not end until the moment of their deaths, and we will give happily give unprotected sex to whomever is able to execute this fatwa.”

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Father's Day

This is my seventh year being a father, my fifth as a single parent. As I see it; I'm supposed to "gently guide" my son, Zoltar Chi (couldn't resist giving him a cool Eve-type name), into accepting Responsibility for his actions, determining Right from Wrong, acting Selfless in all deeds, and yet remain a Child in all else - that is; until the curly hairs kick in and puberty brings Santa's ultimate betrayal, cigarettes, and internet porn. Thank God I have my Mother to help me. She raised three boys by herself, with no help from my father. The senior Kamir Chi slept on the couch in our living room for almost two years, unwilling to have anything to do with us. I was ten years old at the time. I remember him as a ghost around the house, never coming to the kitchen table, retiring to his tiny "office" upstairs where he kept stacks of Playboy in a file cabinet (not a bad find when you're ten years old, believe me). Then in the morning, as we got ready for school, we had to stay quiet because he was still asleep on the couch.

He left the house completely when I was twelve. My younger brother barely remembers him. My mother tells the story of when Dano Chi (snicker; can't help it) broke his arm; he was so excited because "Dad HAD TO COME and see him now!" He didn't.

I only remember three times my father took me anywhere. To RFK Stadium to watch the Washington Senators battle it out with the Cleveland Indians. This game was a turning point in my life; the score was 0-0 after NINE boring ass innings, until the Indians managed one run. This effectively killed baseball for me. Forever.

Another time was at the old Washington Colliseum, in the deepest, darkest part of our Nation's Capitol. There I saw the World Wide Wrestling Federation (now called the WWE). I remember watching in awe how these HUGE fucking guys could throw each other around. Of course at that age, I had no concept of "scripted" matches. I cheered the good guys, booed the bad guys - but I'll always remember what happened after the show. The house lights came on, the crowd began to leave, and my father let me go up to the ring! I remember peeking under it and seeing a large microphone set underneath the canvas. Ahhhh! So this is why they stomp their feet as they punch their opponents! Why body slams happen in the center of the ring! That microphone captured every THUD and echoed it through the small cramped building like a thunderclap! It suddenly dawned on me - you can always make things bigger than they really are.

Still another time was an all-day rock concert, back at RFK Stadium. The only groups I remember were Claude Jones (a local D.C. band), Grand Funk Railroad, and guitar god Duane Allman with the Allman Brothers Band. I was already playing guitar, and seeing a rock concert was a revelation - and Duane Allman was an inspiration! I guess I have to credit Dad for this one!

The point is though; I only remember three outings. Now, I over-compensate with my son. We go somewhere at least once a week. I never miss a soccer game, or a soccer practice. Even if its just a movie, or kicking around the ball in front yard - he is doing something with Dad. I don't have the money to give him everything he wants, but I can give him memories.

And my father? Well, we know he's not dead because the Social Security Administration would have notified my Mother. Never heard from him. Doesn't even know he has a grandson. Fuck you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

America's Secret Weapon - Sigfried and Roy?

Instead of killing the enemy, make them gay. The military has only recently made the decision to table an "alternative" weapon system, even though the Pentagon "is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform," said General Fred "Shelia" Barnstale, his tissued C-cups heaving in excitment. Barnstale and a handful of other high-ranking officers appeared in drag at a Pentagon military briefing recently, to announce this earnestly researched, but ultimately rejected advance in warfare technology. "The Gay Bomb would have revolutionized military strategy", said Barnstale, careful not to ruin his orange lip gloss as he continued. "People have been killing each other in war for eons, but they haven't been making each other gay. Believe me, which ever country has The Gay Bomb will have an overwhelming military edge, into the next century."

Navy Vice-Admiral Richard "Sha-Sha" Portillo (who looked stunning in a white gown with black accents) added, "Imagine the surprise of our enemy's leaders when their top-notch soldiers throw down their guns, and jump on each other like this". Portillo began to rub up against another Navy man, Lieutenant George "Swallowz" Von Kleiser, who immediately lifted his tennis dress to his ample waist. As disgusted members of the Press Corp bolted for the door, General Barnstale took the mic and bellowed, "Wait! This is for real! Our enemies will have their asses in the air, waiting to receive our conquering armies!"

Of course, we would never develop a weapon, "
that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another."
Right?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Welcome to my blog . . .


Welcome! I'll have a little bit of everything on my spanking, new blog. From unwanted reflections on the human condition, patently stupid observations, political/ pop culture rantings, and nearly naked women. In other words; everything I am routinely detested for. Perhaps a little philosophy, poetry, photography, and pee pee humour as well . Ocassionally, I'll post a lucid thought or two, but don't wait up.

I am just minutes from our nation's capitol, so I'm afraid national politics will intervene. I don't care if you agree with me or not; just read the blog, shake your head, grab your scrotum, turn your head and cough. (If you don't have a scrotum, well . . .)

You will also find many posts about Eve-Online, the massive multi-player game I've been on for a year and a half. Kamir Chi is my character in the game. I'll be posting a lot for other Eve players to ponder, and our passion for the game will make little sense to everyone else. I apologize in advance for our addiction.

But that, is all I apologize for. Release the hounds!

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.