Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My Medicine Cabinet

Note: This post was last updated April 3, 2010.

This is an example of just how lazy I can be. As I get "up there" in years, I have to rely on the kindness of doctors to keep me gracefully dancing away from the La Brea Tar Pit called by many; "The Golden Years". Let's say, I get hit by a Metro bus one day. Do I cheerfully recite from memory my complete medical history to the EMT's? Have I taken the time to learn to spell every medication my doctor has prescribed to me in an effort to reduce his own liability? Or, do I wear a MedicAlert around my neck and look like some New Jersey strip club owner?

Or, do I post my medications here, and give the EMT's my business card as they scrape me from under the bus, which features the URL of this very blog? Why yes, I do!

Do I care if the whole world knows I have to take this stuff ? Nope. Not a bit. Couldn't care less. And, for all those college kids who look at this list and cheerfully snort at my daily dependence on doctor prescribed medications - know that your time is soon coming. You will notice a nagging pain in a joint that may last a year and a half. Or, when you unexpectedly cough, you shit your pants. Or, you realize you've forgotten exactly where you live. I could go on and on. God's great equalizer is age.

Oh, and for those college kids still snickering about my advancing age - I probably nailed your Mom.

Please note there are no "erectile dis-function" medications on this list.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Anti-rape Device to Hit the Market

I couldn't make this up. Anti-rape device created by South-African inventor Sonnet Ehlers is about to hit the market after a long time of waiting for patent verification. The female condom-like device called Rapex has fish-like teeth that attach to the penis.

read more | digg story

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Giuliani is GOP's best shot against Hillary, said Ford

Jerry Ford wasn't sure Hillary Clinton could be elected President, but he was absolutely certain which Republican had the strongest shot at stopping her: Rudy Giuliani.

read more digg story

Friday, October 26, 2007

Rudy Giuliani vows to curb illegal immigration in 3 years

If elected president, Rudy Giuliani wants to do for illegal immigration what he did for crime in New York City - reduce it dramatically within as little as three years.

read more digg story

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

God Save The Queen - Is J.K. Really O.K.?

J.K. Rowling is no stranger to fame. This former housefrau, now household name, has amassed a fortune writing about a boy wizard's coming of age, and yet can't seem to stay out of the spotlight herself. According to almost every interview published in the last year, Rowling is finished with the Harry Potter series. Yet, now there are reports that Rowling may bring back Harry for another round of dragon-yanking, broomsticks, and old men prancing about in robes.

Why has Rowling teased the return of Potter? Because, she simply can't turn away from attention. Like a pro-wrestler who embarrasses himself on national television each week because he won't retire. Rowling has realized that without Harry Potter, no one gives a damn what she does or has to say.

Worth an estimated 545 million pounds, Rowling is trying everything to remain in the public eye. Witness the series of pictures above; taken during a children's book signing recently in Hollywood. Thousands of digital images of J.K.'s ample breasts now grace the internet, thanks to dozens of alert papparazzi. An accident perhaps, or is the 42 year old British mum of three preparing to step out of her limo a la Britney Spears? Fortunately, Mrs. Rowling's typical English reserve demands she begin with baby steps, flashing her bra - rather than copy Britney's numerous hairless vagina sightings around Hollywood. But, will we soon see Great Britian's Second Richest Cunt? I say a resounding "yes!", because I never want to see Great Britian's Richest Cunt - Simon Cowell.

And speaking of homosexuals; why has J.K. Rowling recently blurted to the press that a major character in the Harry Potter series was gay? To the casual reader, there seems to be little evidence that the great wizard and "headmaster" (snicker) Dumbledore was homosexual in any of her books. So, why is it so important we know this now? Could it be no one asked J.K. for an interview lately, so she feels compelled to give the tabloids something this week? Is this the Roseanne Barr Syndrome - get yourself in the press no matter how ridiculous? I am waiting for J.K.'s appearance on Dancing With the Stars, or her sex tape. Whichever one is shorter.

Let's get back to Dumbledore for a minute. Even with J.K. Rowlings's belated Revelation, I have trouble believing the most popular children's series ever, included a gay character. We never needed to know what his sexual orientation was anyway. But now we know, and some parents may have to look at the books differently.

As you may know, the Roman Catholic Church has done everything they can to "fast track" Pope John Paul II to Sainthood, and the Vatican has joyfully announced another "miracle" that may bring the popular pontiff closer to that lofty goal. A photo of a bonfire in Poland set to observe the second aniversary of the Holy Father's death, is said to show the deceased pontif blessing or waving to his millions of followers. Vatican TV picked up this story and ran with it. It is obvious to me, this is clearly not the Pope. It is in fact; the boy wizard's head teacher, Albus Dumbledore.

Much has been said about the plethora of secret signals in public restrooms lately, thanks to the Distinguished Senator from Idaho. (I will never take an MP3 player into a stall again, fearing that I may inadvertently tap my foot to the rhythm of the music.) However, little has been said about secret signals in other situations. The bonfire photo clearly shows J.K. Rowling's robed wizard "trolling" for a partner in a public place.

J.K. Rowling's Wizard Dumbledore giving
a secret hand signal
signifying his desire for
anonymous gay sex during a parade.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Rest In Peace . . .

From the Associated Press:
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Somewhere, Kevin Federline is laughing.
An out-of-shape, out-of-touch Britney Spears delivered what was destined to be the most talked about performance of the MTV Video Music Awards — but for all the wrong reasons. Kicking off the show Sunday night with her new single, "Gimme More," Spears looked bleary and unprepared — much like her recent tabloid exploits on the streets of Los Angeles.

She lazily walked through her dance moves with little enthusiasm. It appeared she had forgotten the entire art of lip-synching; and, perhaps most unforgivable given her once taut frame, she looked embarrassingly out of shape.

Even the celebrity-studded audience seemed bewildered. 50 Cent looked at Spears with a confused expression; Diddy, her new best friend, was expressionless.

Of course, comedian Sara Silverman immediately blasted her in that I'm-so-irreverent-MTV kinda way, which made the cuts to Britney's younger sister Jamie Lynn look even more tragic. That poor girl was ready to lose it.

I concede. I am finally taking Britney off my "TO DO" list. Talk about "rode hard and put away wet."

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Dell Adds Goat Sacrifices to Help Lines

(Round Rock, Texas) - Dell Computer Company has recently restructured three levels of "consumer troubleshooting" hot lines. Dell Customers may take advantage of phones outsourced overseas to Nepal, and receive limited information. Or, they may talk to U.S. based technicians (at a premium, per minute rate) for more helpful advice. Or finally, for a flat rate of just US$ 29.00, operators in Nepal will repair your computer problems by sacrificing a goat to appease a Hindu god.

Dell's announcement follows after officials at Nepal's state-run airline sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft. Nepal Airlines has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due to technical problems. The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft last Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu, in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been. It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities.

Computer industry analyists were generally surprised by Dell's announcement, as the company has steadfastly refused to acknowledge their consumer support lines have been outsourced to Nepal. Customers have long suspected this however; as all operators have nearly incomprehensible accents. The Chicago Sun-Times recently broke the story after a reporter noticed that nearly all operators claimed they were from Chicago. After trapping several with Chicago based small talk (i.e. "You think the Chicago Dolphins will win The Cup this year?") , a few outsourced operators admitted to being physically located in Nepal. Industry observer Houston Dolph stated, "Dell simply won't pay for support lines in the States. In Nepal, their outsourced guys work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. The pay is nominal, but I understand operators will be able to keep the slaughtered goats."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My First Pro Wrestling Post

When I first began this blog over two months ago, I figured at least ten percent of the posts would be devoted to pro wrestling. But the murder/suicide tragedy of WWE wrestler Chris Beniot changed all that. For months now, it was hard to think about wrestling, without morning the catostrophic loss to the sport. Like John Lennon's sensless murder, Benoit's death affected me greatly. He was one of the most popular and gifted technical professional wrestlers of his generation. The circumstances of his passing do not change the fact, Chris Benoit was one of the best in the ring.

O.J. Simpson (and yes - guilty, guilty, and guilty) earned a Heisman Trophy, and was the first running back to rush for more than 2,000 yards in an NFL season. Not to mention scores of other gifted athletes who drive drunk, butcher dogs, or ravage a pretty blonde's Rohypnoled backside. The point is; don't forget Benoit's place in wrestling. I never will.

Pro wrestling is undergoing another major shift. The fallout from the Beniot affair will create a lot of major heat for the WWE in the next few months. Their over-the-top writing staff, headed by Daddy's Little Girl and The Son of a Plumber, will keep only six year olds enthralled. Not much positive either with the horrendous scripting of their chief competitors, TNA. These guys went "Old School" and never came back. Don't get me wrong; I collect Cowboy Bill Watts' Mid-South Wrestling DVDs from the 1980s, but I realized immediately you might need to tweak it a bit for modern consumption.

Want decent wrestling? The absolute best today is Ring of Honor. Period. I encourage everyone to see just how good it can be. Live shows and DVDs have been their focus, but they are just now expanding into the pay-per-view market. Here you can see super-talented athletes before they are sucked into the WWE "main event/signature move" mentality. In future posts I'll be reviewing a lot of their DVDs, so I must tell you up front - I'm a total mark for RoH.

Finally, congrats to the NBA referee who got popped. I knew it all along.

Remember; basketball is fake, pro wrestling is real.

Vatican Greenlights "Sister Stephanie"

Sources inside Vatican City disclosed that a New Orleans cartoonist has been given the tentative blessing to create an internationally distributed comic strip to help promote "traditional Catholic values", but artist Colin Hennedy insists the strip, to be called Sister Stephanie, will remain completely objective, "finding sources for satire everywhere".

Sister Stephanie, a 4 foot tall, 80 year old nun is the main character of the strip, who Hennedy describes as "the fanatical voice of Catholic reason", and is obviously drawn to resemble Mother Teresa. But that is where the resemblance ends. "She litterally runs the Diocese", says Hennedy, "effectively castrating male church leaders behind their overtly political, self-serving backs. She is a total bitch - no doubt about it. But, in a nice way."

Other characters in preliminary drawings include Sister Catherine, an anatomically correct gorgeous hardbody who refuses to wear habits and could easily pass for a stripper, Sister Sinead, a nun who insists on wearing a Luchadore wrestling mask at all times, and "Sister" Carlotta, an illegal immigrant who lost her job as an elementary school lunch lady, and is now hiding in the Church from authorities. Male characters are largely portrayed as buffoons, including those habitating Vatican City itself.

Curiously, The Holy Trinity also make regular appearances in the strip. Both God and Jesus appear as traditional "WASP" representations (flowing robes, long hair and beards), while The Holy Spirit is drawn as what appears to be a video game controller. Hennedy says flatly, "you will never see two characters in the strip - the Devil, and the prophet Mohammad. In fact, since The Holy Trinity has never seen them either within the strip, there is doubt among them those two even exist. Also, in Sister Stephanie's world, there is no such thing as homosexuality. As a cartoonist, that would be too easy."

Sister Stephanie is scheduled to debut Christmas Day 2007.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

PETA Not Pro-Pigeon

Despite the pro-choice platform most members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) personally endorse, the organization has recently come out in favor of forced and unwanted abortions for many of our cities' inhabitants. In Los Angeles recently, PETA's Chief Wildlife Biologist Stephanie Boyles endorsed the use of a "morning after" pill as a form of population control. "We're not trying to fool with Mother Nature," said Boyles. "We're trying to get them (cities) to solve problems in a kind way but in an effective way."

You see; the L.A. Chapter of PETA have had it up to their perfectly manicured eyebrows in bird shit, or specifically, pigeon shit. Those head-bobbing bros produce up to twelve little pigeons a year. Multiply that by the estimated five thousand birds looking for their big break in Hollywood, and you have a lot of pigeon poop. In the past, PETA has endorsed several solutions, including "safe" devices like wire coils, spikes, or sheet metal to deny access to nesting areas or to frighten pigeons away. The new plan is for city workers to feed the city's pigeons food laced with the drug OvoControl P, which literally scrambles the inside of the egg, keeping baby pigeons from hatching. Emergency contraceptive pills approved for humans do not work in quite the same way.

Actress Pam Anderson, a rabid PETA supporter for years, supports the organization's new policy, "I've seen a lot of pigeon sex tapes, and its obvious to me abstinence is not the answer." Sources say Anderson is one of the few Hollywood elite who have been voluntarily spayed or neutered.

This is of course, not the first time PETA has looked at planned parenthood ideas. Critter Condoms, a contraceptive for animals, was partially funded from a PETA grant. Anderson recalled, "It was a good idea; but we had trouble slipping the condoms on little poodle penises."

So, how can the majority of PETA members label themselves as "pro-choice", but support forced abortions of these city dwellers? An anonymous PETA official summed it up, "We defend all animals, including unpopular ones like rats, etc. - but a rat has never crapped on my SUV."

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Remembering Arne Petersen

Just last week, I discovered that someone I considered a friend had passed away on February 9, 2003. Arne Petersen, the Danish-born developer of Taino Beach Resort and Ritz Beach Resort on Grand Bahama Island, Bahamas, suffered a gunshot wound to his chest during an armed robbery in his home. I worked for Arne for a couple of years, after I left John and Ron Holt. He will never know it now, but Arne has influenced me greatly, even to this day. The George Benard Shaw quote on this blog's header owes its placement, in part, to Mr. Arne Petersen.

Working with Arne was difficult sometimes. He was the most "hands-on" developer I have ever seen in my life. Every resort problem, from new construction to new light bulbs, passed through Arne at his beach-side office, the first table on Taino Beach's restaurant deck. He was very approachable; employees and timeshare owners alike could stop and talk during breakfast. Okay, maybe "talk" wasn't the best way to describe it. Arne could speak and understand English, but many times he chose not to. He would sit there with his twinkling blue eyes and reddish complexion (was St. Nicholas a Dane?), nodding his head, waiting for you to finally give up getting your point across. Only then would he smile sweetly, a twinkle in his eye, and throw a friendly verbal jab at you. As I've grown older, I've used this "Mr. P." technique effectively; pretending not to understand what the Hell you're trying to tell me, rather than bother arguing with you. It saves a lot of time, believe me.

Arne only pretended to be a grumpy old man. I remember the day after a killer sales day, when everyone literally bought everything we threw at them, Arne appeared at our morning sales meeting brandishing a fire extinguisher. He ran from table to table, bellowing in his intentionally broken English, "Too much heat! Too much heat! You burn my poor owners!" He was proud, but damn if The Danish Hammer would admit it. It was hysterical.

To this day, I find myself unconsciously adopting another of Arne's mannerisms. When you see someone you really don't feel like talking to, put on a shit-eating grin from ear to ear, wave like royalty, and say in the thickest Danish accent you can, "Hihowareyou?". For some strange reason, it makes the other guy look like an idiot. Somebody needs to throw some grant money on this to find out why.
While he generally distrusted most Americans (most likely due to bad business deals in the past) Arne Petersen passionately loved the Bahamian people. His proudest moment was the day he finally got his long over-due Bahamian citizenship. (Imagine, this is a man who poured millions of dollars into the Bahamian economy, contributed to dozen of charitable organizations, and employed a hundred employees at any given time, but was continually denied?) When the government finally decided to reward him with citizenship, every employee was as happy as he was!
Arne protected his people. I know he gave many of his people no-interest loans to buy cars and houses. If any of the Bahamians needed money, Arne was the first they went to, and Arne would usually give it to them. Of course, payments were deducted from paychecks.
One last thing. Arne loved Tanio Beach and Ritz Beach, especially the trees and foilage he had landscaped. He drove the gardeners crazy. Every tree, bush, and flower was under Arne's green thumb. Arne understood more than anyone, you can always make things better than they really are.
God be with you, Arne. I'm sure the people you left behind can carry on, but I'm sure you are missed every moment.

Arnie and long-time employee Gaynelle

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Jamaica's Gambling Problem

The two main political parties in Jamaica, the Jamaica Labour Party (JLP) and the People's National Party (PNP), are distancing themselves from a revenue stream that should have been in place since Jamaican independence. While casino gambling is touted as a sensitive topic, especially since a general election is imminent, the fact is, it should not be considered at all. For Jamaicans, it is a dead issue. You missed the opportunity. Now get over it.

Both parties do not want to anger the powerful church community, which has led fanatical anti-casino campaigns in the past. And I don't blame them either. But it is too late anyway. The time for Caribbean casinos to establish themselves, was long before expansion of the gaming industry in America. A few forward thinking Caribbean nations, notably the Caymans, the Dominican Republic, Aruba, Puerto Rico and The Bahamas, had their casino operations in place long before Americans could gamble outside of Nevada. Nowadays, casinos are virtually everywhere in the States; Nevada, New Jersey, on riverboats along the Mississippi River, and Indian reservations. In my opinion, for Jamaica to directly compete with casino gambling in States-side is foolhardy.

Recently in Jamaica's newpaper, The Gleaner, "With the world-renowned tourism product 'Jamaica' barely passing the three million mark in 2006 - while less-recognised tourist destinations such as Singapore celebrated 30 million tourist arrivals - there are some who strongly believe that casino gambling would add variety to our attractions."


Again in The Gleaner, "The tourism master plan for the period 2001-2010 - established during the tenure of then Tourism Minister Portia Simpson Miller - calls for diversification in the sector to improve and make the product more attractive to a wider range of visitors by having 'greater variety and a higher quality of visitor attractions,' and 'a wider range of recreational and entertainment opportunities.'

Not crap.

The difference is, of course, no mention of casino gambling.

I urge both parties to refrain from the promise of casinos, and concentrate on tourism education in the schools, creating niche marketing opportunities (like eco-tourism, for example), and cut crime in half. That is what the tourist needs to visit Jamaica, and Jamaicans could benefit greatly as well.

A Fairy Tale . . .

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a miserable, old King. His Royal Court included many of the bravest Knights in the Land, and well as the Lords and Ladies of The Realm who had somehow earned their way into the disagreeable old King's favour. His possessions were many, with some accepted as rarest in all the Land. But none were more rare, nor as lovely, as the old man's beautiful Queen, Gwenelle; a nineteen year old dark-haired beauty with the most magnificent, voluptuous breasts anyone had ever laid eyes upon.

Sir Gabriel, the King's bravest Knight, was mesmerized by the young beauty's stunning endowments. The Knight vowed, to himself of course, to single-handedly slay ten dragons for a single touch of The Queen's perfect pair. But alas, poor Gabriel knew it was never to be. The old King was an extremely jealous man. And the Knight knew the penalty for his desire would be an excrutiating death, should he ever try to touch Her Majesty's glorious breasts.

On a day like any other, Sir Gabriel finally broke down and confessed his secret desire to a colleague, the King's Royal Physician. As the Knight sobbed, unable to keep his Dark Secret any longer, the Physician patiently listened. Finally the Physician quietly said, he could arrange for Gabriel to satisfy his urges, with two important conditions. One; Gabriel could not touch The Queen below her Royal waist. And two; the Knight would pay the Physician 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, the young Knight readily agreed to the scheme.

The very next day, the Royal Physician made a batch of itching powder and secretly entered The Queen's Chambers. He gingerly poured a little bit into The Queen's brassiere as her handmaidens bathed her. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and became more intense as dusk approached. Upon being summoned to The Queen's Chambers and upon examining Her Majesty, The Royal Physician gravely informed both the King and Queen only special saliva, if applied liberally for four continuous hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of the King's bravest Knight, Sir Gabriel, would work as the cure for The Queen's worsening condition. Though horribly jealous, the old King relented and quickly summoned Gabriel.

When the young Knight arrived, the Royal Physician pulled him aside and slipped Sir Gabriel the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth. Returning to the couple, the knight barely contained his excitment as Gwenelle shyly slid her sheer robe past her delicate shoulders, revealing those magnificent objects of his Desire. And, for the next four hours, with the jealous old King sitting nearby, Sir Gabriel licked every inch of The Queen's beautifully voluptuous breasts. He played her upper body like an instrument; lightly teasing with his tongue, then pressing his face deep into her generous mounds. Gabriel was indeed, in Heaven! As the Royal Phsician had predicted, Gwenelle's itching gradually subsided, then stopped altogether. Sir Gabriel was completely satisfied, completely exhausted, and the miserable old King was forced to grumble his thanks to his bravest Knight.

Sir Gabriel returned to his own Chambers, and slept soundly. But soon, there was a loud knock at his door. The Royal Physician pushed in, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins for the services he rendered. But with his fetish now completely satisfied, Sir Gabriel could not have cared less about his obligation. And, knowing the Royal Physician could never report this matter to The King, Gabriel simply laughed and told him to get lost.

The very next day, the Royal Physician slipped a massive dose of the very same itching powder into the old King's underwear. The old King immediately summoned Sir Gabriel . . .

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Is Your DNA Gay?

Is there a link between sexual orientation, with something that's inborn? Something that clearly enviroment, or personal choice, have nothing to do with? It's the "nature versus nurture" question - do people choose their sexuality, or is "gayness" determined by their DNA? Michael Jackson was right. You have to look at "the man in the mirror". Well, you kinda have to look at two mirrors together - aiming carefully to get a good look at the top of your noggin.

Richard Lippa, a professor of psychology at California State University at Fullerton, collects photos of hair whorls. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up; hair whorls are circular swirl hair patterns most people have at the top of their heads. Lippa insists only about 10 percent of the general population have whorls that rotate counter-clockwise, but over 20 percent of gay men have counter-clockwise whorls.

Lippa says, "You're born with either a clockwise or a counter-clockwise hair whorl. It's fixed, it's biologically determined. No one's going to argue that your hair whorl is influenced by learning or culture." His theory - you can't choose your whorl, and you can't choose your sexuality, either.

So dude; you can't help it if you're gay! It's genetic! Somehow your DNA strands crossed, and where I see Halle Berry, you see Danny Divito. And, while unsure of your own sexuality in your formative years - your barber knew all along you would grow up dreaming about some guy's asshole!

Is your DNA gay? Only your hairdresser knows for sure. Ask your stylist which way your whorl whirls. Here's a little ditty to help you remember; "Clockwise is RIGHT, counter-clockwise is RI-YAN (Seacrest)."

Friday, June 29, 2007

Pictures - Brandon and Soccer

Thank God, Brandon took to soccer! This is his first organized sports activity, and he is really having fun with it! He is learning the importance of practice, responsibility to his teamates, and taking directions from an adult. He is easily the fastest runner on his team, and extremely competitive. Soccer is an excellent outlet for a kid with limitless energy. And it isn't that much of a financial, or a time, commitment for parents. The best part for me, is watching Brandon play. I am the loudest parent at the game!

Though we haven't see D.C. United yet, Brandon and I have gone to see our local Nothern Virginia Football Club team, the Royals. They are great fun to watch, and you are so close to the action you can hear bones breaking. Really. Anyway, why don't you wean your kids off those mind numbing Game Boys, and buy them a twenty dollar soccer ball. If you live in Northern Virginia, check out the Annandale Boys & Girls Club. All the kids get the same amount of playing time, so everyone participates equally. You won't be sorry.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I Only Have Eyes For You

Virginia Code, Section 18.2-422: Prohibition of wearing of masks in certain places; exceptions.It shall be unlawful for any person over sixteen years of age while wearing any mask, hood or other device whereby a substantial portion of the face is hidden or covered so as to conceal the identity of the wearer, to be or appear in any public place, or upon any private property in this Commonwealth without first having obtained from the owner or tenant thereof consent to do so in writing. However, the provisions of this section shall not apply to persons (i) wearing traditional holiday costumes; (ii) engaged in professions, trades, employment or other activities and wearing protective masks which are deemed necessary for the physical safety of the wearer or other persons; (iii) engaged in any bona fide theatrical production or masquerade ball; or (iv) wearing a mask, hood or other device for bona fide medical reasons upon the advice of a licensed physician or osteopath and carrying on his person an affidavit from the physician or osteopath specifying the medical necessity for wearing the device and the date on which the wearing of the device will no longer be necessary and providing a brief description of the device. The violation of any provisions of this section shall constitute a Class 6 felony.

The law contains specific exemptions, but damn if they seem to fit in this case. Holiday costume? Protective mask for safety? Theatrical production or masquerade ball? Medical reason? The fact is, Virginia law does not exempt people for religious reasons. Nor does it exempt the man with his head wrapped in tin foil who sometimes rides my bus. Nor would it exempt me. I've always wanted to walk around a shopping mall wearing an expensive suit and a lucha libre mask.

Can this woman get a driver's license in your state, dressed in this fashion? From the Virginia Department of Moter Vehicles web site; "DMV may refuse to issue a driver's license or identification card to any applicant who appears for photographing in a disguise or intentionally distorts their face to alter their appearance." So, this chick is evidently riding the same Metro bus as myself, and "Tin Foil Guy".

Is it time for Virginia to ammend its Code? Probably. But if you do it for her, then do it for me. I want the right to wear live squirrels and a thong. In my lucha libre mask.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Catholics Urged to Kill Comedians

In a time when Muslim leaders reaffirm their hatred for British-Indian author Salman Rushdie, who was recently knighted by the Queen, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has issued an edict that "good Catholics should kill" members of the comedy troope Monty Python". The timing of the Pope's fatwa coincides with Great Britian's official recognition of the six Python members' contribution to British popular culture. A Vatican spokesman said yesterday the 80 year old pontiff and leader of the Catholic Church is calling for the death of the comedians, and their recent recognition by Great Britian more than justifies suicide bombing. “If somebody has to attack by strapping bombs to his body to protect the honour of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, then it is justified,” the spokeman said.

Effigies of Monty Phython and the Queen were burnt, and hundreds of Catholic protesters set fire to British flags and chanted “Death to Britain, death to the parrot, death to Python”. Catholic leaders called for worldwide protests after Friday night bingo.

The question of blasphemy in Monty Python's 1979 film "The Life of Brian", in which a clueless man, born in a neighbouring stable, is mistaken for The Messiah, remains a deeply sensitive issue in much of the Roman Catholic world and the comedians' recent recognition has only inflamed anti-British sentiment. Ms. Paula Hardee, author of the Catholic novel "The One Dead Guy Who Never Scared Me", told The London Times: “This is action by Great Britian calculated to goad Roman Catholics. His Holiness
sees a need to return to fundamental Christian values in response to increasing de-Christianisation and secularisation. The members of Monty Phython died the moment the Pope issued the fatwa."

The members of the troup, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam (sixth Python member Graham Chapman died in 1989) have not comented publicly on the matter. They are however; expected to accept police protection.

The Liverpool based Organization of Non-Taxable Catholics, a fringe hardline group, has offered a reward for each of the five successful assassinations. Ms. Mary Kelly, the group's secretary general, said, “The British government and the supporters of those anti-Catholic comedians could rest assured that their nightmares will not end until the moment of their deaths, and we will give happily give unprotected sex to whomever is able to execute this fatwa.”

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Father's Day

This is my seventh year being a father, my fifth as a single parent. As I see it; I'm supposed to "gently guide" my son, Zoltar Chi (couldn't resist giving him a cool Eve-type name), into accepting Responsibility for his actions, determining Right from Wrong, acting Selfless in all deeds, and yet remain a Child in all else - that is; until the curly hairs kick in and puberty brings Santa's ultimate betrayal, cigarettes, and internet porn. Thank God I have my Mother to help me. She raised three boys by herself, with no help from my father. The senior Kamir Chi slept on the couch in our living room for almost two years, unwilling to have anything to do with us. I was ten years old at the time. I remember him as a ghost around the house, never coming to the kitchen table, retiring to his tiny "office" upstairs where he kept stacks of Playboy in a file cabinet (not a bad find when you're ten years old, believe me). Then in the morning, as we got ready for school, we had to stay quiet because he was still asleep on the couch.

He left the house completely when I was twelve. My younger brother barely remembers him. My mother tells the story of when Dano Chi (snicker; can't help it) broke his arm; he was so excited because "Dad HAD TO COME and see him now!" He didn't.

I only remember three times my father took me anywhere. To RFK Stadium to watch the Washington Senators battle it out with the Cleveland Indians. This game was a turning point in my life; the score was 0-0 after NINE boring ass innings, until the Indians managed one run. This effectively killed baseball for me. Forever.

Another time was at the old Washington Colliseum, in the deepest, darkest part of our Nation's Capitol. There I saw the World Wide Wrestling Federation (now called the WWE). I remember watching in awe how these HUGE fucking guys could throw each other around. Of course at that age, I had no concept of "scripted" matches. I cheered the good guys, booed the bad guys - but I'll always remember what happened after the show. The house lights came on, the crowd began to leave, and my father let me go up to the ring! I remember peeking under it and seeing a large microphone set underneath the canvas. Ahhhh! So this is why they stomp their feet as they punch their opponents! Why body slams happen in the center of the ring! That microphone captured every THUD and echoed it through the small cramped building like a thunderclap! It suddenly dawned on me - you can always make things bigger than they really are.

Still another time was an all-day rock concert, back at RFK Stadium. The only groups I remember were Claude Jones (a local D.C. band), Grand Funk Railroad, and guitar god Duane Allman with the Allman Brothers Band. I was already playing guitar, and seeing a rock concert was a revelation - and Duane Allman was an inspiration! I guess I have to credit Dad for this one!

The point is though; I only remember three outings. Now, I over-compensate with my son. We go somewhere at least once a week. I never miss a soccer game, or a soccer practice. Even if its just a movie, or kicking around the ball in front yard - he is doing something with Dad. I don't have the money to give him everything he wants, but I can give him memories.

And my father? Well, we know he's not dead because the Social Security Administration would have notified my Mother. Never heard from him. Doesn't even know he has a grandson. Fuck you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

America's Secret Weapon - Sigfried and Roy?

Instead of killing the enemy, make them gay. The military has only recently made the decision to table an "alternative" weapon system, even though the Pentagon "is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform," said General Fred "Shelia" Barnstale, his tissued C-cups heaving in excitment. Barnstale and a handful of other high-ranking officers appeared in drag at a Pentagon military briefing recently, to announce this earnestly researched, but ultimately rejected advance in warfare technology. "The Gay Bomb would have revolutionized military strategy", said Barnstale, careful not to ruin his orange lip gloss as he continued. "People have been killing each other in war for eons, but they haven't been making each other gay. Believe me, which ever country has The Gay Bomb will have an overwhelming military edge, into the next century."

Navy Vice-Admiral Richard "Sha-Sha" Portillo (who looked stunning in a white gown with black accents) added, "Imagine the surprise of our enemy's leaders when their top-notch soldiers throw down their guns, and jump on each other like this". Portillo began to rub up against another Navy man, Lieutenant George "Swallowz" Von Kleiser, who immediately lifted his tennis dress to his ample waist. As disgusted members of the Press Corp bolted for the door, General Barnstale took the mic and bellowed, "Wait! This is for real! Our enemies will have their asses in the air, waiting to receive our conquering armies!"

Of course, we would never develop a weapon, "
that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another."

Monday, June 11, 2007

Welcome to my blog . . .

Welcome! I'll have a little bit of everything on my spanking, new blog. From unwanted reflections on the human condition, patently stupid observations, political/ pop culture rantings, and nearly naked women. In other words; everything I am routinely detested for. Perhaps a little philosophy, poetry, photography, and pee pee humour as well . Ocassionally, I'll post a lucid thought or two, but don't wait up.

I am just minutes from our nation's capitol, so I'm afraid national politics will intervene. I don't care if you agree with me or not; just read the blog, shake your head, grab your scrotum, turn your head and cough. (If you don't have a scrotum, well . . .)

You will also find many posts about Eve-Online, the massive multi-player game I've been on for a year and a half. Kamir Chi is my character in the game. I'll be posting a lot for other Eve players to ponder, and our passion for the game will make little sense to everyone else. I apologize in advance for our addiction.

But that, is all I apologize for. Release the hounds!

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.